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I still bear the physical and emotional scars from four years of bandcamp in highschool. The lesson I learned was a critical one, though: I do not have the capacity of differentiating my right from my left.

Well, no more, gentle reader! Due to some unbearable pain caused from 8 to 10 hours of typing a day in concert with a fair amount of piano playing tossed in for the hell of it I made a visit to my most excellent primary care physician. It’s not carpal tunnel, but it’s something similar caused by pressure to some nerves near my wrist. So he prescribed a set of wrist splints to sleep in. And, in what was rare display of generosity for a medical institution, they were going to give me a set to use.

So the physician left and the nurse came in with two boxes. I knew something was up right away as the two boxes were completely different sizes.

“Before I show you these, let me explain,” she says. Oh boy, this will be interesting.

“For some reason we’re not allowed to order the right wrist splints and the left wrist splints from the same company,” she continued.

“What,” I replied, leaving out the, “the fuck,” part. That makes no sense to me. Honestly, how could that be a justifiable business decision? You may be wondering, “big deal, you wear braces – at night, in the privacy of your own home, no less – that don’t match”. But look at these things:

Not only is the physical appearance of the two dramatically different, but the construction of each is almost exactly unlike the other. The right hand model has four crappy pieces of velcro that actually dig into your skin when the thing is adjusted. It doesn’t actually wrap all the way around your thumb. There is no, I repeat, no padding to the thing, so except for the nylon cloth that contains the piece of rigid metal or plastic in the thing there’s nothing to provide any comfort for the wearer.

On the other hand the left hand model is the rolls-royce of the splint world (perhaps it’s not coincidence that it’s manufactured by Royce Medical…). It wraps entirely around your wrist, so that you actually have to slide your hand into the thing. It has three oversize pieces of velcro that were way too long and easily trimmed to fit. Inside the entire surface of the splint is covered with a three dimensional gel mold that is actually comfortable to wear. When you’re like me and have an unnatural preference for things always being symmetrical this is just too much difference to bear.

What’s the upside? For the first time I’ll be able to positively identify my left from my right, without making the little L shapes with my thumb and index finger. That is at least until the Royce Medical right handed model I ordered arrives in a few days.

This was a really lame update and I’d like to apologize that you’ve wasted three minutes of your life reading it. I have two better ones in the queue that will be more worth your while, I promise, or your money back.